Wondering how to talk to your partner about porn? If having a conversation about porn with your spouse or potential partner feels awkward and difficult, you’re not alone. But why does this feel so hard?
Well, you have to talk about what goes on “between the sheets” — namely sex! Marriage and sex therapist Angela Skurtu notes that, despite our hypersexualized society, many of us still avoid meaningful conversations about sex.
Ms. Skurtu also states, “Another reason Americans struggle to talk about sex is that their primary educators tend to be friends or porn. While some people did have parents who tried to educate them about sex, the vast majority of my clients had to learn by picking up pieces here and there. So friends and porn helped them learn how to have sex, but it still didn’t teach them how to have a healthy conversation.”
Table of Contents
- 3 Reasons You May Want To Talk To Your Partner About Porn
- A Starting Point: Basic Tips For Having A Good Conversation
- Talking About Porn With A (Serious) Potential Partner
- Ways To Talk To Your Boyfriend About Porn
- How To Talk To Your Girlfriend About Porn
- How To Have A Conversation About Porn With Your Spouse
- How To Tell Your Partner That You Are Struggling With Porn
- Talking To Your Partner About Porn Now Will Help Free You From A Life Of Regrets
3 Reasons You May Want To Talk To Your Partner About Porn
1. You've discovered that your partner uses porn.
Whether you’re upset, struggling with feelings of betrayal and self-doubt, or just concerned, you need to talk! Opening a conversation about your partner’s secret porn consumption is important. So is the manner in which you approach the subject.
“Instead of skipping right to the conclusion that your partner should not watch porn, a lot can be gained by talking about why it bothers you. …That way, you’re addressing the real issue rather than using porn as a proxy for it.” Bustle.com [1]
So if you’re the one bothered by a partner’s porn consumption, bringing up the topic is truly a relationship issue. Betrayal trauma needs to be addressed. Otherwise your relationship wounds will struggle to heal.
2. You’re considering marriage and shared values are important to you.
Just a little research reveals that porn has impacted almost everyone in our society. You may feel passionate that porn harms people. In addition, you may be concerned that porn consumption will harm your future marriage. These are both valid talking points. Certainly you could add plenty of reasons to this list. But talking about your values together is one key to a happy marriage.
3. You struggle or have struggled with porn and want to be open with your partner.
This is a vital step. Having these difficult conversations with your spouse is important to your long-term relationship. Communicating empowers you to have an honest relationship minus dark secrets. It’s also a step toward change through accountability. More on that later.
An additional reason is that you want to start building a healthy relationship and a future family — accountable to each other and free from porn.
What could be holding you back then? There’s a shroud of secrecy and shame surrounding the whole topic of porn and sex. It’s a deadly duo! So let’s talk, first of all, about how to have a good, healthy conversation even when it’s extra hard. Sometimes at the heart of our problems is a simple lack of good communication.
A Starting Point: Basic Tips For Having A Good Conversation
Celeste Headlee, TedX speaker, journalist, and author of We Need To Talk: How To Have Conversations That Matter says, “It takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can’t do that, you’re not in a conversation.”
So what makes a good conversation?
In her viral TedX talk with 12-plus million views, Headlee shares basic tips for having real and meaningful conversations, even when the topic is polarizing! We’ve summarized these for you.
Talking or listening: 10 basic tips to promote a good conversation
Celeste Headlee’s 10 Tips:
1.) Be present in the moment in your conversation. Don’t multitask or be half there.
2.) Have the attitude of a learner instead of pontificating. Enter every conversation always assuming that you have something to learn.
3.) Ask open ended questions like a good journalist: who, what, where, when, why, and how.
4.) Go with the flow. Let go of the stories you want to tell in the moment.
5.) If you don’t know, say you don’t know. Erring on the side of caution is always better.
6.) Don’t equate their experience with yours. It is never quite the same.
7.) Try not to repeat or rephrase yourself. This bores the listener, but we’re all easily guilty of this.
8.) Stay out of the weeds. Don’t add too many details while you are doing the talking, such as years, names, and dates. (If you’re giving a scientific lecture or defending a client in court, you’re giving a speech, not having a conversation.)
9.) Listen. Many experts call this the most vital skill of a good conversationalist. If you’re doing most of the talking, you’re not learning.
10.) Be brief. Instead of monopolizing the conversation, be interested in other people. Everyone has some hidden amazing thing about them. Always be prepared to be amazed!
Many of these tips fall under a broad category of “The Golden Rule”. Above all, be kind, both as you listen and as you talk.
Also, a great conversation requires give and take. Maybe you feel like you’re the partner that does all the listening. If you feel frustrated and unheard, what can you do to join the conversation?
Your turn: how to be heard
Amy Gallo, a contributing editor at Harvard Business Review, offers the following helpful wordings.
Here are some phrases that can help make sure you’re heard:
- “Here’s what I’m thinking.”
- “My perspective is based on the following assumptions . . .”
- “I came to this conclusion because . . .”
- “I’d love to hear your reaction to what I just said.”
- “Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?
- “Do you see the situation differently?”
Framing a difficult topic in a positive way takes emotional intelligence (EQ). Staying positive will involve empathy and understanding how the other person may feel about the topic. Your positive outlook is actually contagious in a helpful way!
What are some key ways to frame a conversation about porn in a positive way? This depends on the length and strength of your relationship. So we’ll start with dating.
Talking About Porn With A (Serious) Potential Partner
Should you talk about porn with a serious date? How soon should you talk about porn? How do you even bring up this topic gracefully?
Both the topic and the way you handle it could be a potential deal-breaker for your relationship. With so many variables, it’s important to say that one size does not fit all for the following tips. Some say a casual first or second date is not usually the best time and place to bring up this topic.
A differing view says striving for a relationship based on honesty means you should ask kindly but boldly about porn consumption — early in the dating relationship.
“When I was single, the topic of pornography was part of my screening process with the guys I dated. In fact, it was one of the first issues I brought up with my husband-to-be.” — Alysse Elhage, Verily.com
Whatever your viewpoint, because porn consumption has great potential to harm a future marriage, you should first refresh yourself on the facts and key talking points.
Then plan to talk to your date about porn at the time that you think is wise. You can plan ahead and use all of the best conversational tips. We want to help you be armed with civility, kindness, basic facts, and listening skills.
Ways To Talk To Your Boyfriend About Porn
Use yourself as a starting point.
Did you struggle with porn consumption in the past? Are you currently working on quitting porn? If you do, you’ll be able to open this conversation more easily. The truth of the matter is that everyone has been affected by porn in some way. Your experience could be your common ground.
Even if you have no history of porn use, be sure to tell your boyfriend this is an important conversation to you and why. Making a list of your reasons ahead of time will help think through this carefully.
Say you’d like to talk about something important to you.
Framing the conversation as important is a good way to breed honesty and openness. If a potential partner is unwilling or reluctant to listen to something that is important to you, that’s already a red flag. When a topic is important, then scheduling a time to talk is the next step.
So what happens when the time comes to actually talk about porn? Just jumping straight in and saying, “Do you have a problem with porn?” is probably not the best approach. Instead, think about how porn affects everyone in society as a whole.
You might mention studies that show kids as early as 8 are being exposed to porn. By the time they hit their teens, most have already seen porn and easily get hooked on porn.
Or maybe you saw a friend’s marriage suffer due to porn, and you could say, “This happened to my friend. I think honesty is super important. I know porn is everywhere. What is your opinion about porn consumption?”
One way or another, without sounding like you’re accusing your boyfriend, it’s important to get porn into the open. Fight the New Drug recommends not forcing disclosure, but putting the topic of pornography on the table for safe conversations.
What to say if your boyfriend is using porn.
If your serious boyfriend discloses his porn habit without you wringing a confession out of him, you should feel very honored. He feels safe enough with you to be honest. Thank him for sharing! Be sure to say, hey, can we revisit this topic in the future, too?
What if he’s genuinely interested in quitting porn, but currently struggles in this area? That’s pretty common in our culture. If he’s being open with you, here are a few more things to consider.
Is he willing to become accountable to someone else? What steps has he already taken to conquer this challenge? How important is quitting porn to him?
Don’t just disappear if you find out your boyfriend struggles with porn, but wants to succeed. Instead, encourage him to get help pursuing a life free from porn.
This point really applies to either person in a serious relationship. If one struggles with porn, the other partner should be encouraging to their partner along the way. However, having accountability outside of your relationship is a good idea.
If your boyfriend thinks porn use is no big deal or makes excuses, at least you know where he stands. Is this a deal-breaker? That depends on you. You’ll have to gauge his openness to hear more about the research on the harms of porn, and his willingness to change.
Again, you’ll need some talking points as well as a plan to not come across as shaming or judgemental. This is especially important if your potential mate does not consider porn harmful. Logical reasons for your concern and scientific data are vital.
How To Talk To Your Girlfriend About Porn
These days, it’s not safe to assume that your girlfriend is not affected by porn. The earlier points really apply to both partners, as we mentioned before. And to be honest, a struggle with porn might be common ground for both of you. Since porn use harms both people in a relationship, that’s a fair place to start.
A gently honest approach is important. Women tend to feel more shame over a compulsive porn habit than men. If she confides in you that she struggles with porn, let her know of your deepest respect for her honesty. Next, offer her caring support with a listening ear. Ask open-ended questions to help her talk about her struggle if she is willing.
Quitting porn is too hard to do on your own. Encourage your girlfriend to find support from other women such as Sherecovery.com, Celebrate Recovery, and even potentially a sex addiction therapist.
How To Have A Conversation About Porn With Your Spouse
Most likely a conversation about porn use will arise after marriage when when one spouse finds out that their partner is secretly using pornography. The key word here is secretly. As we’ve already noted, many will go into a relationship with full knowledge that their other half has struggled — and will still be tempted — with pornography.
Do’s and don’ts when you discover your partner is using porn
According to the author of this popular article, it’s far more likely that a wife will discover a husband’s secret porn use than that he will first confess it to her. If you’re in this very difficult situation, you’re highly likely to experience betrayal trauma. Not understanding and dealing with this trauma leads to further symptoms including PTSD. There is one word you need above all else: kindness.
First, be kind to yourself.
It’s completely understandable to blame yourself. But don’t allow yourself to give in to this negative self-talk. Even if you’ve already heard this truth, remind yourself that his porn use is not your fault.
It’s not your weight, your looks, or your personality. It’s not you. Period. Chances are extremely high that your spouse was exposed to and started using porn during their teenage years.
Early exposure to porn changes a developing brain and shapes thought patterns to desire cheap, easy, fake sex. Also, the porn industry is an enormously well-funded, successful marketing machine. They know temptation is right in our back pockets via our smartphones.
Next, be kind to your partner.
This point applies across the aisle — whether it’s a husband or wife who consumes porn. Hurtful, angry words will not help the situation. Don’t “slut-shame” your spouse, even though porn use is considered a form of cheating by many.
Here’s where you tap into the “listening” aspect of having a good conversation with your partner about porn. Fight The New Drug highlights the importance of this:
“Porn is so toxic because it plays on a natural human desire for sex. It’s difficult for people to protect themselves from the lure of porn, so hear them out, and be respectful of what they have to say. Actually listen. Keep your mind open to listening to their experiences or perspective before jumping to conclusions.”
Share how you feel truthfully.
However, it’s also important to be truthful with your spouse about how you feel. Being kind does not mean ignoring or denying your hurt and betrayal. Nor does it mean accepting a porn habit or porn-influenced sexual behavior as part of your marriage. If you’ve come to the realization that your sex life is awful due to porn, it’s time for a kind but forthright conversation.
Understand, also, that porn is often very, very difficult to leave behind without help. And depending on how long your partner has consumed porn, realistic expectations for quitting porn need to be discussed.
Ask good open ended questions such as:
- When did you first encounter porn?
- How do you feel about using porn?
- How badly do you want to quit?
- Have you ever tried accountability?
- Who else besides me could you trust as an accountability partner?
- How can I best support you?
- Have you considered joining a group like NoFap?.
Very often there are underlying traumas that need to be addressed, too, by a therapist or in a sexual addiction recovery group. Firmly but kindly insist on your spouse getting help, especially since porn use always affects both partners and their families.
How To Tell Your Partner That You Are Struggling With Porn
If you’ve come to the conclusion that you need to tell your spouse that you’re struggling with porn, you have our highest respect. Being vulnerable requires bravery! Like ripping a bandaid off an open wound, you can expect some pain. However, healing cannot happen without a hard conversation in this case. Here are a few tips:
Do your research about the process of quitting porn ahead of time.
If you can say, I realize that I have a problem, and I’ve started looking for answers, your spouse will realize you are serious about change. Be prepared to share your research, and what to expect on the journey of quitting porn when you do have this conversation.
Allow for anger and hurt on the part of your spouse.
This is realistically the initial hard part of a conversation. So mentally preparing for honest emotions and reactions is helpful for you. If your spouse isn’t upset at all, that could be a bad sign, right? Hurt and betrayal are visible signs of love. Acknowledge your problem honestly with no excuses.
Tell your spouse your history with porn consumption honestly. How and when did you encounter porn? How often do you currently struggle with porn? What are your triggers? How much porn do you actually watch? Porn use thrives on secrecy. You can start to break porn’s power by “telling on yourself”.
Include all of the necessary details of your porn habit.
Don’t minimize the extent of your habit, either. If you’ve been watching lots of porn and you’ve run up a credit card bill due to spending on porn, let your spouse know. What if your primary use of porn is on your phone? Let your partner know your weak spots.
Tell your spouse you have set a new goal for yourself.
Make your goals clear to your spouse. Talk together about quitting porn in a positive way — as a goal to be achieved. Setting goals fuels hope for change. What’s even more powerful? Teaming up to reach an important goal!
Ask your partner to help you quit using porn.
If you’ve done step one — researching the process of quitting porn — you’ll be able to break down your goals. Then you can ask your spouse to help you in specific ways. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Be willing to be consistently accountable.
Accountability to another person is a time-tested, proven way to meet goals. Otherwise, coaching would be obsolete. Instead, coaching is a booming business with more kinds of coaches — from fitness to finances — than we can list here.
Being accountable for all your internet activity through an accountability app works! Here’s the basics of how. Download an accountability app on all of your devices, so porn has nowhere to hide.
When you choose an accountability partner, they get weekly reports of your internet use. To be successful, you need at least one trusted person to help you not look at porn.
You may choose as many accountability partners as you wish, including your spouse. When you know someone who cares about will see your internet activity, you’re highly motivated not to view porn, even in a weak moment.
Having a spouse see your activity also helps rebuild trust after feelings of betrayal. Someone has even called these reports their “weekly love-letter” from their spouse.
“Ever Accountable has been a total game-changer for me. The hardest part about it is asking someone to be your accountability partner, but don’t let that deter you! Freedom is just on the other side of that one uncomfortable conversation and it is well worth it. This app makes it so much easier to quit and the emails are very encouraging.” — Clayton E., one of our happy customers
Talking To Your Partner About Porn Now Will Help Free You From A Life Of Regrets.
Living fully means facing our challenges and choosing to live free of regrets. Bronnie Ware, a former palliative care nurse who sat with many dying patients says this:
“Every single decision you can make and every single snippet of courage you can find, to ensure you are living true to your own heart, takes you further away from the anguish and heartbreak of regret. And the more courageous you are, the more the world also benefits. After all, we are all in this together.”
Are you ready to step forward courageously today? Go ahead and start that important conversation about porn!
[1] https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-porn-according-to-a-sex-therapist-10248693
*Ever Accountable’s blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.
